I often heard people like to use the excuse of “finding who they are” to leave their existing relationship, work, or even family.

While I do not disagree with giving yourself time to settle your mind and figure out what you really want to do with your life, I disagree if that reason has become an excuse to avoid responsibilities in life. Imagine a thirty-year-old mom with three-year-old kids, tired of taking care of the house and raising three kids, felt life is monotonous, bored, and has no excitement at all, then suddenly with the excuse of trying to feel life again and finding her own purpose, left her kids with whoever wants to take care of them, and free herself in the care of her friends or jobs. That’s an irresponsible decision, impulse disguised as soul-searching journey.

We were born with nothing. We learn to live in this world by trying, making mistakes, and trying again. Learning is the software embedded into our own existence. Bad choices are always being made again and again. Sometimes we can overcome its consequences; sometimes we just get overwhelmed. There is nothing wrong with being weak and vulnerable. It is wrong if we keep ourselves forever weak, without learning anything to handle the weakness and start to make ourselves stronger than before.

Life is already hard since we were born. We were able to live comfortably because of our parents and family taking care of us with love and attention. If we do not have that luxury, then our life will be quite hard. Thus we need to appreciate our family and parents. That’s why as Asian-born, I always remember this and pass it down to my kids. It doesn’t mean I need appreciation from my kids. I am pretty sure my care and love to my kids are sincere. I do not wish them to give anything in return. However, they need to learn to appreciate things and not take anything for granted. If I do not demand appreciation from my kids, they won’t appreciate people around them who give them support and attention, and that would be a disaster in their life later on.

When you make a family, you consciously choose to be a husband or a wife or a parent. No matter how hard it is later on, that’s your choice. When hardship comes, and the new life is not what you think it would be, then you choose to leave everything behind to have your own happiness—that is irresponsibility. No matter how you sugarcoat your decision with spiritual journey, finding yourself, or even mental health, it is just pure irresponsibility.

Also, your personal character identity is tied to your role in the family, workplace, and community. It is easy to leave everything behind; however, in doing so, you leave things that define who you are as well. It is commendable for someone who isn’t afraid of changes, pursuing higher goals instead of succumbing themselves in their own comfort zone. Even then, we still need discernment to determine whether our decision is for the benefit of all or just an excuse to not do our responsibility.

Spiritual journey is happening inside our own mind. It is not about pilgrimage; it’s about information. Therefore we are not in an era in which if we want to learn from a capable person, we need to travel thousands of kilometers, or if we want to read certain books, we need to dig deep into an old library just to find a book contained with information that we need. We are in a new age, with AI as our assistant. I believe almost if not all information regarding spirituality, philosophy, psychology, and thousands of case studies are one click or prompt away. There are tons of information that can be fed into our mind. It is up to us on how to use that information to support our unique and private spiritual journey.

Thus, finding your role and true purpose of your life can happen at any time, right here, right now. You do not need to go away to find a solitude moment; instead, you may find it at any moment. What you need is a method, a mentor, and a community who can give you case studies on how to deal with your hardship and how to overcome it to support your life-finding journey.

With all modern world has to offer, I don’t see those who use the phrase “Find my own self” to escape responsibility, as a true seeker of truth, but only a childish attitude to shirk away from responsibility.