I felt it is an insult to my inteligent and understanding if i keeep worrying about what the future will be.

Thats what i feel. After many years contemplating about the ever changing life situation and unpredictable yet predictable fortune. I still feel afraid of what will happen in the future. I am quite fed up with my anxiety.

look, it is okay, i can accept that fear and anxiety are part of us. Without them, i wont be able to appreciate what i am now. The problem is they keep coming, uninvited. Whenever i think about something that might happen in the future, only a probability idea, they come to my senses. How annoying isnt it.
’
I do not antagonize my fear and anxiety, they may come and go as they like, but not when i want to mind mapping the future. Over time, i develop a habit to try to understand the situation at hand, before i plan anything. I will ask myself, what is my truly goal, what is the criteria to say that i have achieved it. Then i see around, testing all my assumptions, i do not want to leave any stone unturn. Its true that we can not predict the future, however any potential problem tha we know before hand even though we can not solve it yet, reduce the fear and anxiety level, saving a lot of mental cost, as i wont over expect things will go smoothly.

I believe, i am afraid more of the unknown rather than known things. It is very difficult to face my hope and dream shattered in front of reality and limitation. However, it is very cheap considering we do not need to pay any heavy cost by experiencing it.
When i was a little kid, i liked to try things, for example when i saw a lot of kid use bike to school, i liked to try to use the bike, i would grab any bike that i could borrow, and practice, i fell many times, but i didnt quit, i kept trying until i could use bike to go anywhere i could.

When i reached teenager year, i did the same thing with motor bike, this time i fell from motor bike. Unfortunately, i broke my right hand, and crack my left hand. I need to spend 6 months carrying my right hand with a metal pen connecting my bones. It was a terrible moment in my life. Since then, i realized that as i am getting older, my toy was getting dangerous, as it wasnt always reparable. I was lucky i didnt die back then, i had learned my lesson.

That accident, encourage me to read books and appreciate those who can teach me, who can be my teacher. It is cheaper to learn from other experience either from writing material like books, or someone who has experiences. It is also time efficient, With one book, i can learn a lot of lessons, that if i have to experience by myself, will cost me a decade of my life.

Offcourse, sometimes, information in the book is difficult to understand, just imagining things is different than experience it directly. To close the gap between mental knowledge and experiential knowledge, i developed a habit of making a small experiment, creating a small model, with the same parameters with the real even but in smaller size. Just to feel with my body and emotions what it is feel like.
After so many years, of developing a learning habit and experimental habit, i can see failures and set back as an opportunity to learn more about what i am dealing with. It took considerable time to gain knowledge, offcourse, but when i gained a bigger picture of a situation, with just a glance i can create many solution to seemingly unsolveable problems.

I also look after my life in the same way, i noticed that many factors are unknown to me, therefore when i try to plan something, i shouldnt make it as something that is permanent and can not be change. I also noticed that what we do to day, may change the outcome of the future, our action doesnt alway influence the outcome fully, maybe partially, but it does make a different how little it is.
Therefore i conclude that life is both complex and unpredictable but we still can influence it with our actions. We should do what we should do, the best we can, at the same time, prepare a space for unpredictable things to happen.

With such understanding from years of observation and self awareness, how come when i mind mapping my life, i still feel fear and anxiety. People told me that it was because of my subconscious, which still couldnt accept changes.

Well, if that is true, i think my subconscious need to be reprimanded, and scolded.

” Hey you subnconscious, are you kidding me, with those experiences and understanding, you still feel fear and anxiety during a mappin process? are you insulting my intteligence and wisdom?”